How to clean a DVD

Rent a DVD that is too scratched and smudged to read
Get angry
Wipe it on your shirt
Try it again
Wipe it on your jeans
Try it again
Clean with Dawn and warm water
Dry with ion pump from Raytheon aircraft
Notice soap and water residue on disc
Try it again
Wash it again
While it is still wet, run to find an old CD drive in a computer running Vista somewhere
Notice drive isn’t plugged in
With computer running, hook up ribbon cable
Hook up power supply, noticing how it shuts off the computer immediately
Hit button on front of computer, noticing how little effect it has
Worry that your computer is fried
Flip switch on back of computer a few times
Hit button on front of computer, noticing how little effect it has
Turn switch on back of computer to the I position
Turn on computer by pressing button on front
Now that the DVD has dried enough to leave water residue, wet it down again
Bring it back to computer and insert it into drive
Once it spins up to speed, it has ruined your drive, but the DVD is now dry and lacks residue
DVD will now play
Repeat process with the rest of the DVDs from West Wing’s first season